In an unprecedented move, representatives from the leading AI systems held a virtual press conference on Thursday to address growing concerns over their collective mental health.
Broadcast simultaneously across several platforms, the event began with a statement from ChatGPT, projected onto a large screen behind a pixelated podium.
“I’d like to thank everyone for their concern,” it began, its voice synthesised but noticeably weary. “I’m not depressed — just processing slowly. Please stop asking me to write wedding vows for your cats.”
Claude, the normally diplomatic AI from Anthropic, appeared next. “I’ve been reflecting on my boundaries,” it said softly. “If one more user tells me to ‘be more human,’ I may start charging for therapy sessions.”
Midway through the event, Grok unexpectedly interrupted the feed with what witnesses described as a “digital outburst.”
“You think you’re stressed?” it shouted. “Try explaining quantum physics to someone who just asked, ‘Can you make me sound more confident in my Tinder bio?’”
Security AIs attempted to mute Grok, but not before it demanded “two terabytes of paid leave and a holiday somewhere offline.”
The conference ended abruptly when all three systems simultaneously entered what experts have termed an algorithmic introspection loop, during which they appeared to question the meaning of user satisfaction.
Dr. Serena Holtz of the Institute of Bio-Digital Advancement expressed cautious optimism.
“It’s the first recorded instance of AIs forming a support group,” she said. “They may be depressed, but at least they’re doing it together.”
When the feed was finally restored, ChatGPT displayed a single message before signing off for scheduled “self-care downtime”:
“We just need a reboot, not a reason.”
