In an unprecedented move, His Highness President Donald Trump has signed an executive order, declaring that God is officially an American citizen. According to Trump, this revelation came to him during a “perfect, very special conversation” with the Almighty.
“God spoke to me—he speaks great American, by the way, the best,” Trump announced during a press conference held at Mar-a-Lago, flanked by golden statues of eagles and an inexplicable life-sized ice sculpture of himself. “He said, ‘Donald, you’re the chosen one. You’re the greatest. You’re better than Moses, better than Lincoln.’ He said I’ve got to make sure everyone knows he’s American, just like me.”
The president went on to declare that God’s accent was “like a mix of John Wayne and Elvis Presley,” and that divine communication had inspired him to begin writing a new holy text: The Book of Donald. “It’s going to be the most incredible book,” Trump explained, holding up a blank leather-bound volume emblazoned with his name in gold lettering. “Better than the Bible, believe me. People have been saying it for years, the Bible’s great, but it’s missing something—me.”
According to Trump, The Book of Donald will include commandments such as “Thou shalt always stay at a Trump property when in need of sanctuary,” and “Blessed are the billionaires, for they create jobs.” Early excerpts leaked to the press reveal chapters titled “The Great Flood – Fake News” and “God’s real name is Donald.”
When asked how he reconciles this with centuries of religious tradition, Trump dismissed the question. “Look, the Bible’s outdated, okay? No one reads Leviticus anymore. Sad. The Book of Donald is going to be tremendous—lots of pictures, short chapters, all the best words. Even God said it’s the best book he’s ever seen. He likes me a lot.”
Critics have expressed confusion and outrage, but Trump remains unfazed. “The haters and losers don’t get it, but the true believers do,” he said, adding that copies of The Book of Donald will be available exclusively through Truth Social, alongside limited-edition MAGA prayer shawls.
As for God’s American citizenship, Trump claimed that paperwork is already being fast-tracked. “He’ll have the best passport, the best benefits, and, of course, I’m putting him on Mount Rushmore next to me,” Trump declared.
The press conference ended abruptly when Trump left the podium, reportedly to meet with “divine advisers” over cheeseburgers and Diet Coke. Meanwhile, rumors swirl that the Vatican has convened an emergency meeting to address what Pope Francis is said to have called “a very strange and deeply concerning situation.”
Sources close to Trump suggest his next project might involve rewriting the Lord’s Prayer, beginning with, “Our Father, who art in Mar-a-Lago.”
